NOTES ON BALLET CLASS
XineAnn
Today
I went to ballet class
for two hours
I thought I'd die
That did not seem
enough of a reason why
I should not go
The Dressing Room
The regular dancers eye me --who is the new girl?
But I remember well
the politics of the dressing room
I grab my hair tight
and pull it back hard into a bun
in one movement so
the other girls know I mean business
A few tendrils escape to my cheek
They have always done that
Now my Capezio tights -
a simple black tank, I still have five
all the same
No camisole, no frills
This is serious
Pink leather Baryshnikov slippers,
never black
those make my feet look Chinese
Now my gray cashmere cardigan
that I wore holes in
by wearing it so much
and I still can't let it go
I tie it in a knot under my breast
I am ready to dance
Barre
Pachelbel Canon in DI stretch
feeling the pull on my muscles
Memories flood from years long past
"Ladies do not stick bubble gum on the bar"
No they do not
I knew that
I smile at last
My fifth position is pathetic
I modify my turnout
Pliés -
My knees complain Over the toes isn't working
This does not bode well
I forgot about the music
I am distracted and
tears start to well on the dégagés
I need to focus on what I'm doing
here
The tears abate
I am not unhappy with my frappés
One thing in the world I can name
Center
Monlight Sonata,the first movement
My muscles remember
on their own
I learn combinations easily
Great
I can count to eight
carressing the floor with
my feet
entrechats, pas de bourrée,
pas de chat
but I am not centered
"Don't cheat me, give me your best"
he says, this muscular black man
with the Romanian accent
It seems he is speaking directly to me
At the adagio,
he comes behind me
and lightly touches the top of
my hip bones to center me
I watch our reflection in the mirror
When was the last time
I was touched like that?
I cannot remember
It doesn't matter
I am not centered
Turns
Fur EliseI have always loved the turns
It feels like flying
Now
one pirhouette
and I land with a great thud
No heads turn
They are being polite
At one time I could do four
Valerie had said:
"Christine, Christine
stop stop stop!
You can do a double, maybe even three
by mechanics.
But you will never
do more than three
until you can 'see' it in
your mind's eye before you dance"
I took her words to heart
in all things
I could do four
Now I cannot do one
I cannot dance
I am earthbound
I am blind and I am dumb
The Corner
About Strange Lands and PeopleMy legs are jello
as I travel
Glissade, glissade, glissade, assemblé
grand jeté
chainé chainé chainé chainé
My body sweats its great tears
My heart pounds and I pant to catch my breath
I cannot escape the sorrow
any other way
I can spot
but what to spot on
There is nothing stable in all the world
The Dressing Room
I peel the black leotard from my wet skinand let down my brown hair, shaking it out
My best torn T-shirt, my softest jeans
My legs ache and I touch
the handrail as I descend the three flights
to the ground
I will not walk tomorrow,
my body and my soul
tired, spent, not whole
